Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH