Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
adding to the discourse
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.