Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.