Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
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My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor