@Browtweaten

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

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@Nahdude83

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

~Menstruational Tweet

@breatheandlove

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

@daddydoubts

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

@pilau

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

@MAngelo505

What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.

@noog

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

@daemonic3

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”