Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
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I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: how are you?
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*