Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
You Might Also Like
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Canadian owl: Eh?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Breaking news:
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.