Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.