“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Bought an ice cream cake and the cashier told me to keep it in the freezer until serving as it will melt. I gotta start dressing smarter.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs