Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”