WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later