Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
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GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.