DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.