This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101