Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
You Might Also Like
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.