@sweetandweak

Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

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@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@jbryantiii

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@DrakeGatsby

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

@Tharin_P

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

@UncleBob56

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@NutttyV

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

@ValeeGrrl

My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.

@AbleLikes

I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon