By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
M: I can’t do that.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.
I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon