I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
when mom throws a party…
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!