Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@clichedout

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

@stonedcoldlazy

Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

@_GoldieLox

STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!

@causticbob

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

@JB4Realz

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

@steventurous

The year 2072:

“What did you study in college?”

“I majored in October 1–8, 2020.”

“That seems really broad. Did you focus on anything within that?”

@BrattyBarbie

Where there’s a will there’s an “OMG! What’s it say!? What does it say?”.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.