Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.

You Might Also Like


ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*


Considering the yr Jesus is said to have been born, I question those who give him the wheel or make him their copilot.


Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]


STOP PUTTING SIRENS IN MUSIC FOR PETE’S SAKE! I let my hair down & undid two buttons before i realized i wasn’t getting pulled over!


My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.


Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.


The year 2072:

“What did you study in college?”

“I majored in October 1–8, 2020.”

“That seems really broad. Did you focus on anything within that?”


Where there’s a will there’s an “OMG! What’s it say!? What does it say?”.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.