My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Breaking news:
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
our love story in four pictures
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off