@simoncholland

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

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@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@ipalatsky

Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@IamJackBoot

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

@mack44_d

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

@dubstep4dads

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

@andlikelaura

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

@seagullski

I’m in charge of eight kids tonight. No big deal though I can be really responsib–

I’m in charge of seven kids tonight. No big deal though

@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”