Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
are they though??
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.