DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
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I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.