My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.