WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
#titanic
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.