@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

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@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@Rollinintheseat

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@jewfacekilla

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

@JJSummertime

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

@trevso_electric

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@mommajessiec

Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”

Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”

@ParkerTheKing

I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.

@KeetPotato

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”