Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries