[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”