My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he’s snoring.
this FaceApp is creepy af
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.