@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

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@bingowings14

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

@mstluvstrinkets

You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he’s snoring.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@GroperCleveland

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

@neonwario

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

@CChilllll

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.