Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
At least he brought enough for everyone
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
getting corrected
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows