@Divergentmama

Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

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@joejwest

RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.

@Faungirl123

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@timdonakowski

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

@AimeeHelene1

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@KarateDonuts

After 3 days, the dryer should just eject all the shit you left in there so you’re forced to stop using it as another drawer.

@rad_milk

break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out