Daughter: next week is spirit week for Homecoming.

Me: oh yeah?

Daughter: so our class color is red – I want to do something really memorable and different. Any ideas?

Me: *thinking of Carrie* hmmm, nothing comes to mind.

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RAFIKI: [lifts Simba over head on Pride Rock]
SIMBA: Put me down I am 32 years old


hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*


[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.


Narcissist? Let’s just calm down with the big words and keep this conversation about me.


I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me


my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”


Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.


How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.


After 3 days, the dryer should just eject all the shit you left in there so you’re forced to stop using it as another drawer.


break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out