New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Here
Here
Here
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.