I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
When you’ve simply given up.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
My wedding will be open casket.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Time heals everything 🙂
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back