@GrantTanaka

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

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@Jandalize

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

@MumInBits

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@sonictyrant

Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night

Me: hell yeah

Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?

@Carbosly

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

@JimmerThatisAll

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.