Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*son playing ipod
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
If I ever lose my phone I want Liam Neeson looking for it
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Girl: i noticed you’ve been checking out this body all night
Me: hell yeah
Girl:*slow winks* wanna help me bury it?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.