FRIEND: Try to relate to her.
(Later on Date)
ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.
I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If my wife ever leaves me, I’m going with her.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”