Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
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[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*