Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

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FRIEND: Try to relate to her.

(Later on Date)

ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?


Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.


I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all


ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant


Me: why don’t I have a gf

Him: have you tried asking someone

Me: no

Him: like her. Ask her.

Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf


Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.


Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.


“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”