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Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I occasionally drink every single night.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I triple waxed for this?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.