Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
This kid is a star!
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
work smarter, not harder
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.