Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
You Might Also Like
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
I finally found a reason to live again.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.