Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Skills
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
This made me chuckle.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
*offers Batman cough drops*