daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.