Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Breaking news:
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people