@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

@TheTweetOfGod

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

@WilliamRodgers

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

@electrolemon

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay

@daemonic3

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

@sozjalltheway

So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy