5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
<password is too short>
<password must have at least one special character>
damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
*Claps along at an opera*