Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory