There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
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i wish all
whales
a very
big
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I hope they boil the right one.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?