DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Ovenable?