2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: We broke up.
Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.