@thedad

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

@PeachyPixel8

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?

@tarashoe

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

@DonQuickoats

My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@GreenishDuck

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

@JVarsityCaptain

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@jenlapcomedy

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

@Lhlodder

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.