DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.


WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year


Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*


*fade to black*


Me: We broke up.

Male Friend: You okay? You need to talk? Shoulder to cry on? You want to come over? Go to dinner? Sleep with me finally?


a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE


My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up


I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice


Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.


Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?


Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.


Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.