@Brettagher

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

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@juliussharpe

For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.

@BigRadMachine

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

@DanMentos

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

@fro_vo

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

@Ygrene

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time