Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
whatcha thinkin bout
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I’m half potato on my dad’s side