Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician’s wife to wave like a normal human being.
Why did I laugh so hard tho ? 😂😂
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
therapist: I see
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time