I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?
Me: that’s purely speculation
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[text from wife]
I want a divorce
Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!
Haha, April fools
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.
[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.