Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Sooo many times…..
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you