Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.


Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

You Might Also Like


I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven

– a memoir


I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.


8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?

Me: that’s purely speculation


The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.


Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly


Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.


[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.


[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

Haha, April fools


[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there


Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.