Daughter: what’s nostalgia?

Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.


Me: I’m home from work!

Wife: aw we missed you!

Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.

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I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life


Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die


[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit


Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.


The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn’t do it. They said I couldn’t fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right


Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.


Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.


Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.


If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.


I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex