Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
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nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.
Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta