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nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame


I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.


For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?


I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.


My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.


Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta