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@clichedout

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@ChicksRule

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@marnipanas

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

@3sunzzz

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@Llama5x

I do not understand why we dudes have to use sports idioms for everything.

Honestly, it sounds off base quite often… like we’re coming from left field. We need a new playbook.

@MomofTeen

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@figgled

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta