@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

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@johnalogue

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@NYC_Blonde

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

@Mothernetic

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

@ItsAndyRyan

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

@Just_Lee_

A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.

@cravin4

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

@ImaFlyontheWall

Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me

@hippieswordfish

my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)

@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.