Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?
ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris
ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?
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[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Drunk me used to set a “Mystery Alarm” on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
my goth girlfriend says she likes me for who i am on the inside (a skeleton)
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.