A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
This fish is cracking me up
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen