Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium
Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Him: my gf left me
Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea
Him: yeah but-
Me: also a squirrel
Me: and a sponge in a pineapple
Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam
The other 40% of us would rock that shit