Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?



Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep


“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.


I was running for a bus but I just missed it and had to pretend i didn’t want it in the first place so kept running now I’m in Belgium


Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.


*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!


Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple


Trainer: I don’t think you’re taking this workout seriously, bro
Me: How dare you say that?
T: Dude, you just cracked a beer
Me: *takes sip*


A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam

The other 40% of us would rock that shit