Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
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I found your tweet-up…
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.