a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance