Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
giddy up Office Depot
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way