*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
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Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over