@TrueTorontoGirl

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

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@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

@TheCatWhisprer

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

@brianbooone

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

@MeetingBoy

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

@Gupton68

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you