I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
“Would you rather be right or—“