Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???