@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

You Might Also Like

@WAPratt

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

@UnFitz

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

@mommajessiec

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

@Sickayduh

*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”

“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
– Yeah?
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”

@sunexplode

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

@RidiculousSheri

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

@Just__J0

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

@Hurly_Burly

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

@Ristolable

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

@imasmartass37

A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.