ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
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I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
God: I made a rainbow!
Devil: I’m making all the fire alarm batteries die in the middle of the night.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
to the fridge for a snack.
Mmmmm white people
A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
Why don’t they have a WHITE history month?? Why don’t they have NON-handicapped parking spaces? Why’s there no cemetery for ALIVE people??
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.