“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
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that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this