CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.
You Might Also Like
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*sees commercial* “Talk to your kids about drugs before its too late”
“Kiddo. Kitchen. Now”
“This is oregano. Don’t get ripped off”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
17: Want to see a movie?
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
A cyclist told me to share the road, so I threw a piece of asphalt at him.