Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
describing stardew valley
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Yup
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
What
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
#catsoftwitter
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*